From Me to **********@*********.org:

Hi there! You can have my couch if you are still looking for one. Let me know! You can either e-mail me or call me.

Mike

From Juan ********* to Me:

HI MIKE

I STILL NEED YOUR COUCH.
HOW BIG IS IT?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PICTURES?
WHY DO YOU NOT WANT IT ANY MORE?

YOU DID NOT GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER SO I CANT CALL YOU.

From Me to Juan *********:

Juan,

The couch can seat three normal people, or two fat people. I don't have any pictures because my camera is broken (I didn't realize it was in the garbage disposal when I turned on the switch.)

I am getting rid of the couch because my grandfather passed away on it a few weeks ago. Every time I look at it, I am reminded of it, and I would rather it not be in my apartment anymore. Just give me a call and we can set up a time for you to come get it.

Mike

From Juan ********* to Me:

MIKE IS THE COUCH STILL IN GOOD CONDITION. YOU STILL DID NOT GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER.

From Me to Juan *********:

Juan,

The couch is still in very good condition. There are only a few minor blemishes, but you can't really notice them. There is a little bit of blood on the couch and a pool of blood on the middle cushion from when my grandfather shot himself. I tried cleaning it with club soda, but it had really soaked into the fabric by the time I found him. The blood dried though, and now it is kind of a brown-ish color that I think actually makes the couch look better. It is a brown couch anyway so you can't even notice it.

Mike

From Juan ********* to Me:

NO THANKS

From Me to Juan *********:

Why not? I thought we had a deal. Is it because of the blood? You can just turn the cushion over and nobody will have any idea.

From Juan ********* to Me:

THE COUCH IS COVERED IN BLOOD WHO WOULD WANT THAT?
GROSS!

From Me to Juan *********:

Don't put words in my mouth. I never said it was covered in blood - it just has a little blood here and there.

I did forget to mention, I believe my grandfather defecated on the couch when he died (the paramedics say it happens all the time.) I cleaned most of that up, but once again the couch is brown so you won't even notice it.

And this probably isn't a big deal, but he also had a cigar in his mouth and when he died it set part of the couch on fire. On the plus side, it did burn away some of the old urine stains that the couch had on it. The couch no longer smells like urine. It kind of smells like a barbecue, which is great if you love barbecues.

From Juan ********* to Me:

THAT COUCH IS FUCKED
THROW IT OUT!

From Me to Juan *********:

Why would you waste my time if you weren't going to take the couch? I'm sick of having to deal with people like you. I'm just trying to get rid of a decent couch, for free, and still people are wasting my time.

From Juan ********* to Me:

IF YOU TOLD ME UP FRONT THAT SOME ONE DIED AND SHIT ALL OVER YUOR COUCH THAN I WOULNT HAVE WASTED ANY MORE OF YOUR TIME!!
DONT YOU SPIN THIS ON ME BY TELING ME THE COUCH LOOKS GOOD WITH BLOOD OR SMELLS LIKE A BBQ. WHO THE FUCK WANTS A COUCCH THAT SMELLS LIKE BBQ IF I WANTED TO SMELL BBQ I WOULD BUY A FUCKING GRILL

From Me to Juan *********:

Would you be interested in the grill I am selling then? It is a CharCooker 500 and has three burners. Two of them don't work because my grandfather shot at the grill when he was drunk, but the middle burner still cooks food really well. I'm asking $400 for it, and for you, I'll throw in a couch for free.

From Juan ********* to Me:

I DONT WANT YOUR USELESS SHIT GUY!!!!