From Me to ***************@gmail.com:

Hey,

My yard is 5 acres and I would like to work out some kind of regular mowing schedule. How much will you charge for five acres? Do you come weekly? Please let me know.

Thanks,

Mike

From Rob ***** to Me:

Hey Mike. Where do you live? Yes, I come weekly. I charge by the hour, but a rough estimate would be around $45 depending on if you want me to do trimming as well.

From Me to Rob *****:

Sounds good Rob. I'm located off of Naaman's road, near the 202 intersection. I would like you to trim around my sidewalk and patio, so I guess you should factor that into the price. I just need you to sign a waiver before you mow my lawn for the first time. Let me know when you would be able to do this.

Thanks,

Mike

From Rob ***** to Me:

Why do you need me to sign a waiver?

From Me to Rob *****:

The last couple of dumbass landscapers I had working for me sued me for injuries that were their own fault. I am just covering my ass so I don't have to deal with these damn settlements anymore. As long as you use common sense, the waiver won't even have to come into play.

From Rob ***** to Me:

Forgive me for asking but how were they injured? I find it peculiar that you have been sued by landscapers.

From Me to Rob *****:

Well, let me just say that I inherited this property from my grandfather when he passed away. He was a war veteran and a little bit eccentric when it came to guns. Long story short, he buried a bunch of land mines in his backyard. I had no idea until the first idiot mowing my lawn ran over one and it exploded. He lost his right leg and then sued me like a little whining baby, claiming it was my fault.

The waiver pretty much says you won't sue me if you hurt yourself by detonating a mine.

From Rob ***** to Me:

Why would anyone in their right mind agree to that? He had every right to sue you. There is no reason for land mines in Delaware.

From Me to Rob *****:

Like I said, just use common sense and don't run over the mines. They are Valmara 69 mines, so you can see a bunch of little prongs poking out of the ground. Just drive your lawn mower around any if you see them. There might not even be any left. Some could even be duds - these are very old mines. Just forget about the mines and sign the waiver. I don't work on Wednesday, we can meet then to sign the papers.

From Rob ***** to Me:

I will never agree to this. Not in a million years. I don't know who you should call but it is definitely not a landscaper.

From Me to Rob *****:

You said you had a ride-on mower, right? These are anti-personnel mines, not anti-tank mines. Meaning your mower can probably withstand the blast. The mines weren't made to disable enemy German lawnmowers. The jackass that blew his leg off was using a self-propelled mower. How about this: you can just sign the waiver for personal injury. I'll cover the cost of repairs if the mine ends up damaging your mower.

From Rob ***** to Me:

I value my life, so no thanks. If you ask me, I think you are the jackass for expecting anyone to mow your lawn given the circumstances.

From Me to Rob *****:

Apparently they just don't make landscapers like they used to anymore. I remember when landscaping was a real man's job, and there was no lawn that couldn't be mowed. Now everyone is such a little bitch about everything. "Waaaahhh! I dont want my wittle wawn mower to bwow up!" Would you sue me if a bee stung you while you were mowing my lawn, or if you got mauled by fire ants? Do I have to go to court if you forget to wear a jacket and catch a cold while mowing my lawn? C'mon man, suck it up and do your job.

From Rob ***** to Me:

Dear Mike,

Fuck you.

Rob