From Me to *********@********.org:

Hello,

Are you still looking for a trap for cats?

Mike

From Deb ******* to Me:

Yes I am can you help me?

From Me to Deb *******:

I most certainly can! I believe this trap is for those who want to "have a heart." I used it to catch a stray cat that kept coming into my garage. It is called the KittyHugger. All you have to do is put some cat food on the trigger, and when the cat comes to eat it, the trap gently contracts into a hugging position and comfortably hugs the cat until you come back to deal with the little guy. Please let me know if this will work.

Mike

From Deb ******* to Me:

Mike- I have never heard of a trap like that. I was referring to the "Havahart" traps...you know like the cages for animals?? Do you have any pictures of the trap? I'd like to see how it works before I get it. Thanks.

From Me to Deb *******:

Absolutely. I've attached a picture of it. Sorry if it is a little messy; I haven't cleaned the trap in a while.

Attachment:


From Deb ******* to Me:

YOU'RE SICK!

From Me to Deb *******:

Excuse me?

From Deb ******* to Me:

You killed that poor cat OMG

From Me to Deb *******:

I didn't kill the cat. I told you it was a little messy. The last cat I caught knocked over the bowl of juice I gave him so he wouldn't get thirsty. As you can see, it made quite the mess. I assure you this trap is 100% safe and humane.

From Deb ******* to Me:

IT OBVIOUSLY IS NOT SAFE. IT IS COVERED IN BLOOD

From Me to Deb *******:

You've clearly never seen a juice spill before. You have a twisted imagination if you think that is blood. I guess you don't want the trap.

Before you give up on me, I have one more trap you may be interested in. I actually think it is one of those Have a Heart traps you were talking about, though I've never heard it called that.

Please see the attachments. As you can see from the pictures, the kitty will have plenty of room to be safe and comfortable. It comes with a black tube at the end that is used to pump warm air into the cage to keep him warm while he waits to be released.

I'm sorry I didn't have time to clean the trap. It is still a little messy because the last cat I had in there spilled his bowl of juice and his cat food. It went everywhere!

Mike

Attachment:




From Deb ******* to Me:

Wow can't you read the ad you sick jerk? I DON'T WANT TO KILL THEM

How you managed to turn that trap into a bloody mess is a mystery to me but keep the hell away from me!!!

From Me to *********@*************.org:

Hello,

Do you still need your car crushed?

Mike

From Jeff ******* to Me:

yes

From Me to Jeff *******:

Well Jeff, how would you like to have your car crushed by a REAL LIVE MONSTER TRUCK?!

That's right, for only $20 you can witness the ULTIMATE DESTRUCTION AND CARNAGE of your 1989 Dodge Shadow being CRUSHED INTO OBLIVION!!!

Our CHEVY KILLVERADO is bringin' the pain on top of 66 inches of DOOM-BRINGING TIRES and will leave your car COMPLETELY ANNIHILATED.

Please let me know when you are ready to BRING ON THE DESTRUCTION!

Mike

From Jeff ******* to Me:

are you serious

From Me to Jeff *******:

YOU BET YOUR ASS I'M SERIOUS!

The only question is, are you serious about your car being SERIOUSLY SMASHED INTO SMITHEREENS?!

Mike

From Jeff ******* to Me:

is it being crushed at a demolition derby or something?

From Me to Jeff *******:

No! You will have the honor of witnessing it being obliterated, LIVE AND IN PERSON, right in your front yard! No unnecessary travel to a stadium - stadiums are for PUSSIES!

Mike

From Jeff ******* to Me:

why the hell would i want to do that? then id have a pile of shit in my lawn that would be even harder to get rid of

From Me to Jeff *******:

No need to worry about cleanup! The Killverado will PULVERIZE YOUR CAR INTO A PILE OF DUST!

From Jeff ******* to Me:

no it wont. are you an idiot?

From Me to Jeff *******:

Do not underestimate the DESTRUCTIVE POWER of the KILLVERADO!

Tell you what, if you decide to do it in the next ten minutes, your kids can witness the devastation for JUST FIVE DOLLARS.

YOU'D HAVE TO BE A PUSSY TO TURN THIS OFFER DOWN!

Mike

From Jeff ******* to Me:

no id have to be a retard to let some idiot come run over my car with his stupid truck! what the hell wrong with you? dont email me again ya jackass!

From Me to *********@********.org:

Hey, are you still looking to get a fake invoice? I run a repair shop off of 95 in Essington and could easily print something out for you.

Mike

From Dave ******** to Me:

yea dude that would be great. it needs to be for like $1200 but your a mechanic im sure you can think of something that costs that much. essington is kinda out of my way so i just need a good reason for my wife that explains why i was down there, ya hear?

From Me to Dave ********:

Alright, I can print one out in a few minutes and scan it for you. As for your wife, just tell her you were on your way to Chester to buy drugs and your car broke down, so you just had it towed to the nearest shop. Be sure to mention how great our service was.

Mike

From Dave ******** to Me:

yeah great idea genius that would go over real well. im better off coming clean about my bad luck in atlantic city, but that aint happenin neither

From Me to Dave ********:

I don't see why it wouldn't go over well. Lots of people go out of their way to Chester for drugs. I get my coke from Chester all of the time. It is cheap, and good, too.

Anyway, I've attached the invoice I wrote up for you. I forgot to ask the Make/Model/Year of your car, so I just took a guess. If I am wrong, let me know and I can change it.

Mike

Attachment:


From Dave ******** to Me:

if you guessed 98 corolla then id be impressed otherwise could you put that in, and date it for today? thanks a lot for your help dude

From Dave ******** to Me:

wait a minute what the fuck is this shit

From Dave ******** to Me:

$200 to unjam a tape deck are you for real man? that isnt even a real problem
what the fuck is a "transgasket differential" are you serious dude, this shit isnt going to fly. 50 bucks to set the dashboard clock wtf man

like seriously man are you fucking retarded? wtf is this bullshit

From Me to Dave ********:

Yes, I typically charge around $200 to unjam a tape deck. Have you ever tried to do it? It is a pain in the ass. Some people panic and try to rewind their tapes and that just makes it even worse.

I charge $50 to set the dashboard clock, but it is well worth every penny. It is the most accurate time reading you will ever have. I sync it down to the millisecond with the official NIST time, and I have it verified by a certified time expert.

You've got me there on the transgasket differential. I just make that up and charge $400 for it and people usually pay it without much argument. Especially women, which brings me to my next point.

Women tend to know nothing about cars, so your wife will probably just look at the document and get confused by all that fancy car lingo. All women need to see is the money amount, which I have made very clear at the bottom of the invoice.

Mike

From Dave ******** to Me:

cmon man quit dicking me around and put some real shit on there. i dont know what kind of bullshit shop you are running over there, but neither me or my wife would believe this thing

and fix the car info. out of all the guesses you could have made you guessed that i drive a fucking delorean? for real dude?

From Me to Dave ********:

Sorry, you just struck me as the kind of guy who would have a DeLorean.

If you really think your wife isn't going to fall for that, I'll give you a more realistic looking document. Here is a realistic bank statement you can use to show your wife where your money went.

Mike

Attachment:


From Dave ******** to Me:

wow thats great buddy thanks for nothing you fucking retard
hey why dont you go fuck yourself in the ass with your transgasket differential. what a douchebag

From Me to ***********@verizon.net:

Hey there,

I have an old Blu-Ray player I don't use anymore. Are you interested?

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

Yes I am very much interested! What brand is the player and is it free?

From Me to Cathy ********:

Cathy,

It is a Samsung player, and whether it is free or not depends on you...how many prayers are we talking about here?

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

I will say many prayers for you!

From Me to Cathy ********:

Yeah, I got that. Specifically, how many prayers? This Blu-Ray player wasn't cheap. I'm thinking, 50 Our Fathers and 50 Hail Marys every day for a year. Does that sound good?

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

Mike, the quantity of prayers is not important - it is the sincerity and power of the prayer that matters. I will be genuinely thankful and show this through my prayers!

From Me to Cathy ********:

Sorry, but I'm not settling for anything less than 50 Our Fathers and 50 Hail Marys per day. The last guy I gave my plasma TV to gave me that "sincere prayer" crap but I don't it worked at all. My wife's breasts still aren't bigger and my lottery tickets still aren't winning. The only thing that matters is the amount of prayers that you say. It is your choice; 100 prayers a day or no blu-ray player.

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

I think you are misunderstanding the purpose of prayer. Surely you can't expect me to say that many prayers - it would take all day!

From Me to Cathy ********:

I'm willing to cut you a deal, Cathy. I'll only ask for 50 prayers a day, but in return, you have to come say grace whenever I eat dinner. I'll accept you saying grace for me over the phone if I happen to be eating at a drive-thru fast food place.

I'll also throw in my copy of "Drag Me to Hell" on Blu-Ray.

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

Please stop. You are being preposterous.

From Me to Cathy ********:

Cathy,

My apologies. I guess you are right, I am asking for a bit too much. Here's what I'll do. I'll go by what my priest made me do the last time I confessed to stealing a Blu-Ray player. He made me say 20 Hail Marys and 10 Our Fathers, but I think the Our Fathers were because I pistol-whipped a guy while I was stealing it. Since I didn't have to pistol-whip anyone this time, I'll give it to you for only 20 Hail Marys. How does this sound? This is practically face value in prayer.

Mike

From Cathy ******** to Me:

Oh my lord, you have lost your mind! I will get a bluray player elsewhere.

From Me to ************@************.org:

Hello,

I saw that you lost your document on the road I live on, so I figured I'd go out and try to find it for you. I found several things that could be your document but due to your lack of details I am not sure if I have the right one or not.

Mike

From Jessica ****** to Me:

Can you please describe what you found! Thanks

J

From Me to Jessica ******:

Jessica,

Here are the three documents...I hope this helps:

The first document appears to be a receipt of some kind from McDonalds. It looks like the person paid for a McDouble and a small drink.

The second document is a page out of the Philadelphia Inquirer. It has the TV guide for the date of May 17th, 2010.

I can't quite figure out what the final document is...it is partially torn. On the front it says "NICKERS" and on the back there are some nutrition facts or something. It is very fancy paper - dark on one side and shiny on the other.

I hope one of these is your document so I can get it back to you safely.

Thanks,

Mike

From Jessica ****** to Me:

Great you found a receipt for food...a newspaper page...and a candy bar wrapper. Thanks a lot for the help jackass.

From Me to Jessica ******:

Well which one is yours?

Also, I found an empty coffee cup from Wawa if this helps.

Mike

From Jessica ****** to Me:

Do you honestly think any of that crap is what I am looking for??? Why would you even bother emailing me I swear to god

From Me to Jessica ******:

Well I wasn't too sure about the coffee cup, but I thought maybe you wanted the McDonalds receipt because I figured that anyone who is too cheap to pay for the extra piece of cheese, and opts for the McDouble instead of the Double Cheeseburger, would probably need that receipt to get some kind of tax deduction.

I also thought perhaps you were watching a really good movie on TV and wanted to know what it was called, which is why you would have needed the TV guide. I looked through the TV guide and saw that "The Hunt For Red October" was on that night...were you thinking of that? It was the movie about submarines.

As for the candy bar wrapper, I figured you were on a diet and needed to see how many calories the candy bar was so you could figure out what else you were allowed to eat for the day.

I was just trying to help. Maybe next time you should be more specific as to what the document is. If you are going to be ungrateful, then I am just going to throw these documents back into the street where I found them.

Mike

From Jessica ****** to Me:

None of those things are documents!! How stupid are you????