Kons For Kids
Posted at: 2009-09-01 12:47:05
Original ad:
childcare needed
looking for a responsible and dedicated person to babysit my two children during the week. you will be needed monday through friday, from 7 AM to 4:30 PM. email me at ***********@comcast.net and we can talk about pay. DO NOT EMAIL ME UNLESS YOU HAVE REFERENCES
From Me to **********@comcast.net:
Hi there! Are you still looking for someone to fill your babysitter position?
Mike
From **********@comcast.net to Me:
yes i am. please send your info and any past expereince you have.
From Me to **********@comcast.net:
Actually, I am not the one applying for the position. I run a rehabilitation program for good people who are trying to enter society again, and have a few candidates who I think would be able to watch your kids. They will work for a much cheaper rate than a professional babysitter, but will still deliver professional service.
Mike
From **********@comcast.net to Me:
what kind of rehab program do you run? injured people or something like that? if you are talking about drug addicts than forget it.
From Me to **********@comcast.net:
Absolutely not! Don't worry, I would never even dare consider having drug addicts watch your children. They are children for pete's sake!
My rehabilitation program is called Kons For Kids. We help get ex-convicts back on the right track again, by giving them second chances that they deserve. We help them experience the joy of working with children and helping the community. It is often difficult for these ex-cons to get jobs after being released from a correctional facility, but it is a requirement while being on parole.
We have seen lots of success with the program. Most of our clients are extremely satisfied with their ex-con. Despite the negative image that people like to give to ex-cons, they really are loving, caring people.
I have two potential clients in your area, if you are interested. Here is a little info about them:
Derek Schillinger - Derek is a 43-year-old male from the Delaware County area. Just released after serving 17 of 25 years for two counts of third-degree murder. Derek loves to laugh, read, and enjoys long walks on the beach.
Timothy Beecher - Tim is a 36-year-old male who was just released after serving 12 years of his 15 year sentence for armed robbery and assault with a deadly weapon. Tim was released on good behavior and is ready to get back into the real world. Tim enjoys working with kids, and has six kids of his own with various women in the tri-state area. Before his conviction, Tim was a mid-level cocaine dealer. He knows a lot about economics and business, and would be able to give your children a great education while watching them.
I look forward to working with you. Please let me know which person you were interested in, and I will give their parole officer a call.
Thanks!
Mike
From **********@comcast.net to Me:
wow. kons for kids? that is the stupidest thing ive ever heard!!! who the fuck would let a murderer watch their kids!
From Me to **********@comcast.net:
KFK is a very respectable program. I'm guessing from your apparent issues with murderers, you aren't interested in Derek. Before you completely rule him out, I would like to point out that he was convicted of third degree murder, which is the most harmless kind of murder. Third degree murder isn't premeditated murder, and it usually just accidental murder. I talked to Derek, and he said he didn't mean to kill the guy, he just wanted to hurt him. Please give him another chance.
If you don't want him watching your kids, I'll understand. Should I tell Tim you are interested instead?
Mike
From **********@comcast.net to Me:
i dont want tim or derek or any of the other lunatics you try to pass off as babysitters! murder is murder it doesnt matter which way you put it now leave me the fuck alone!
From Me to **********@comcast.net:
I already told Tim that he got the job. Please don't make me have to give him the bad news.
From Me to **********@comcast.net:
Are you still there? It has been three days, and Tim wants to know when he can start working again.
From Me to **********@comcast.net:
Well, I hope you are happy. I had to tell Tim that you weren't willing to give him a second chance. Tim got so angry that he tried to stab me with a fountain pen. Needless to say, that was considered a violation of his parole and he has been sent back to his correctional facility to serve the remainder of his sentence. You essentially ruined Tim's life, after he was ready to get back on the right track. You are a horrible person.
Mike
Comments:
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lol (2014-04-29 05:21:23)
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retard
Yodel (2014-02-17 00:00:54)
You people are fucking idiots.
I'm a Llama. (2013-07-26 05:10:43)
You should have named it,"Kons Kares Kids" that way you would have said,"KKK is a respectable program...".
Blondie (2013-05-28 15:11:49)
OZ references hilarious at least you didn't say they were chomos
Jack (2013-03-13 17:11:53)
The funniest part is that 3rd degree murder is causing the death of someone by neglect-- perfect babysitter.
TigerladyNZ (2013-02-06 20:27:22)
"he was convicted of third degree murder, which is the most harmless kind of murder." You're killing me Mike.
Por que? (2012-12-08 20:02:40)
I lost it after "Derek enjoys reading, laughing, and long walks on the beach" ESP because it came right after "2 counts of third degree murder"
Schillinger damnit (2012-11-14 17:12:40)
I grinned at the OZ references.
A. Breivik (2012-09-23 23:19:25)
I love working with kids! I "worked" at a children's camp once!
Charlie Manson (2012-07-25 19:16:34)
what the heck man i was promised this job. they are white kids right?
TedBundy (2012-07-19 20:20:50)
HAY! You forgot me D:
Destr (2012-06-19 10:26:54)
u forgot to mention simon adebisi :DDDD
tomi (2012-06-18 05:46:31)
wow, i guess i'm not the only OZ fan :)
nick (2012-06-12 13:18:36)
It should have been kons for children- kfc
Futalover (2012-06-11 16:29:51)
you are a horrible person. lol
Jesus (2012-05-17 20:35:49)
"and enjoys long walks on the beach" lmfao I died laughimg
Monty P. (2012-05-10 09:12:19)
"he said he didn't mean to kill the guy, he just wanted to hurt him." I agree, GOLD X)
Mrbandi (2012-04-29 06:12:50)
" I talked to Derek, and he said he didn't mean to kill the guy, he just wanted to hurt him. " I totally lost it :D
blewis (2011-12-15 17:27:36)
anyone else catch the oz reffrence?
Amanda (2011-12-08 08:40:41)
Shillinger and Beecher? NICE reference to OZ :)
Java (2011-09-07 06:14:21)
"Tim enjoys working with kids, and has six kids of his own with various women in the tri-state area."
WTF 3 (2011-08-26 00:58:09)
safety than most 3rd degree murders I know (and I know quite a few) That's the kind of thoughtful thinking I'd want my babysitter to have.
@WTF 2 (2011-08-26 00:57:35)
y; I'm not sure exactly what happened; every time I ask my uncle garbles on about demons cats with huge grins on their faces, but I think he was watching Alice Wonderland when it happened, so...) But this action shows he cares more about peoples'
@WTF (2011-08-26 00:55:36)
I agree with Heidi, these seem like very trustworthy and responsible people. Tim, while in a blind rage, promptly grabbed a fountain pen, instead of those nasty ballpoint pens, which in the past have forced my uncle to have a leg aputated (its a long stor
So subtle (2011-08-18 23:58:14)
and enjoys long walks on the beach.
WTF (2011-08-14 02:47:21)
To the person below me, are you serious!!! I would rather shoot myself than let some kons watch my kids.
Heidi (2011-08-03 00:03:23)
I don't know why people always flip out. Those seem like reasonable people to babysit children.
Frank West (2011-07-26 13:16:58)
If she wasn't an idiot, she'd know that there's no such thing as third degree murder. There's only first degree (premeditated) and second degree (in the heat of the moment.) Otherwise, it's manslaughter.
anonymous (2011-07-20 19:13:27)
the first guys iexpert sounds like you trying to get him a date not a job
LOL (2011-07-20 18:50:56)
Busted up when i saw schillinger and beecher as the cons
how? (2011-07-01 20:48:55)
'long walks on the beach'
how does anyone take that seriously?
JoseJalapenoOnAStick (2011-06-27 03:57:51)
Kons for Kids... HOW DOES HE THINK OF THIS STUFF...LOL
Perfect (2011-06-24 02:55:57)
Have an ad on the side for arrest records online :)
Legend (2011-06-09 09:30:40)
Those two names, Schillinger and Beecher are two characters in OZ :) funny
randomofucka (2011-05-16 14:28:47)
I would've hired Tim, he seemed like a nice guy...
stides (2011-05-12 06:14:38)
his real name is tobias beecher :)
MAD MIKE'S MATE (2011-05-11 02:27:22)
kons for kids lmao The cons descriptions made me piss
Krikit (2011-05-04 00:46:16)
The e-mail by itself was hilarious, but the ad to check criminal history next to it....
needless to say, I peed my pants.
Blondizzler (2011-04-29 14:57:02)
*drinking water and reading this one.... I felt like I was drowning. I just want everyone to stay safe so please don't be stupid by eating or drinking while even THINKING about these emails!
anonymous (2011-04-29 14:56:39)
*drinking water and reading this one.... I felt like I was drowning. I just want everyone to stay safe so please don't be stupid by eating or drinking while even THINKING about these emails!
Blondizzler (2011-04-29 14:55:24)
EVERYONE PLEASE BE ADVISED: do NOT eat or drink anything while reading these emails. I almost died today while trying to eat my waffle and read though this hilarious website. Now this is the second time where I could've seriously been hurt while drink
@Nod (2011-04-22 09:50:35)
You're right, that would've been such an easy joke + this shit is funny because it makes people wonder if it's real or not. If you say rapist it's VERY obviously a prank.
@nod (2011-04-13 20:46:58)
Nod ur stupid that woulda been funny
@nod (2011-04-13 20:46:16)
Nod ur stupid that woulda been funny
nod (2011-04-03 08:45:01)
@oh come on
You're an idiot, and your idea of funny is cllched and retarded. Really.
Dylan (2011-03-31 22:41:28)
I love how he colloquially abbreviates "Kons for Kids" as "KFK."
This one hurt my cheeks I was laughing so hard.
Oh come on (2011-03-21 17:41:09)
YOu should have done better than this.
How about putting a raper instead of a murdered, or a pedophile
xD that would be so awesome
Mandie (2011-02-03 15:44:03)
I think it's hilarious that some of the readers/comment makers are offended. I mean the comments are almost as good as the emails. Mike, you are a genius. I've read a bunch! Seriously, who posts on Craigs list for a babysitter anyway or who asks s
... (2011-01-18 19:30:21)
lmao it'd be funny if she agreed to hire tim..
Mr. Tells-You-Stuff! (2011-01-03 17:16:34)
Lololol LololoL ololOL lolOLollo OLOLOL olol lOLloloo llol lOl LoL LOl lOL LOL loL Lol olol lol!
funnyvideos (2010-12-15 21:27:25)
random funny pictures
Louis (2010-11-26 13:58:35)
Schillinger and Beecher? Obviously a OZ fan! Was Partlow a play on "the wire"?
Brian Keller (2010-11-18 00:39:59)
I can vouch for both Schillinger and Beecher.
Sunny (2010-11-13 09:24:21)
kons for kids.. lmfao
anonymous (2010-11-01 15:54:48)
Pepe good one, and alos i like when you mike are serious
Pepe (2010-10-06 01:13:36)
Now, if there were a Kons for Children, then you could've said: "KFC is a very respectable program."
darcy (2010-10-05 23:57:00)
Oh God, I nearly died when I read their names. Schillinger and Beecher. Amazing!
RL (2010-10-05 21:52:19)
All I could think of was that funny kids commercial "1-800 cars for kids... K-A-R-S cars for kids.." I can just imagine "1-800 KONS for kids, k-o-n-s kons for kids! lol
Otsego (2010-10-04 05:24:54)
The mother got what she deserved. Who looks for a babysitter on Craigs list? What did she expect?
anonymous (2010-10-02 11:01:40)
@boomerhead it is an actual email. did you read other parts of the site before you posted?
Ice (2010-10-02 09:52:57)
"the most harmless kind of murder"? AWESOME LINE!
LMBAO (2010-09-24 12:26:32)
Kons for Kids!!!!lol classic
evan (2010-09-16 02:20:07)
and enjoys long walks on the beach. (best part :)
boomerhead (2010-09-16 01:40:17)
For that brief moment, I thought this was an actual email conversation. Oy!
Cosmic Muffin (2010-09-14 16:22:50)
Ha, I love the Oz reference.
Emily (2010-09-07 00:43:46)
You have to be the most commendable, hilarious author I have ever read! You continue to amaze me with these e-mails. It should be E-mails from a Genius if you ask me.
Kel (2010-08-26 20:12:04)
"Before you completely rule him out, I would like to point out that he was convicted of third degree murder, which is the most harmless kind of murder." (literally just fell of my chair laughing)
Preessejekfed (2010-08-16 19:58:46)
Here is my circumstances
I am really surprised with smaller sizes spy gadgets like spy sunglasses,key chain, wrist watch etc, these gadgets do not look like a spy gadget
spy gadgets are used these days frequently whether it is a shop, cafeteria,ma
Tim. (2010-08-12 15:53:03)
When I get out again, I'm going to commit 5th degree murder on you MIKE!!!! You better watch your back buddy boy.
TIM.
Mark (2010-08-12 15:50:24)
"THIS IS SO FUNNY". Am I going to hell for thinking this?????
Mark (2010-08-12 15:47:53)
What is wrong with people.
It was obvious from the start that it was a Joke for God Sake.
Why would anyone leave this comment??????
really? who is the horrible person here? besides tim and derek, you mike are the horrible person. try harder, jack
Dana (2010-08-10 22:35:56)
Love the OZ characters passed off as real criminals. So glad I found this site. Can't stop laughing.
anonymous (2010-08-03 00:57:56)
Dont care if all this is made up..it's funny!!
Eri (2010-07-29 01:31:02)
oh my gosh I'm at work and I'm trying so hard not to bust out laughing you are too funny!
Echo (2010-07-23 06:50:20)
LOL fuckin oz, a nazi for your children
holy shit i cant even see through the tears in my eyes right now
SuckMyRocket (2010-07-17 19:43:54)
@Heywood jablowme - Yes becuse a person getting mad at some idiot writing wierd stuff is so hard to find ?!?!? ARE U KIDDING ME??? HAHAHAHA Fucking funny shit to, i might be high right now, but at one point i was actually afraid i was going to die..
Heywood Jablowme (2010-07-17 18:10:04)
These are so made up, entertaining but not real, you guys are idiots for believing any of it.
T (2010-07-06 00:26:43)
love the 'OZ' reference with 'schillinger and beecher'!
Occadiera (2010-07-03 22:21:32)
In want some gadgets since
I am a working woman and I leave my kids alone with nanny so I am looking for a spy gadget which would be helpful to keep tracking on nanny and I should know what happening behind me
many people use these gadgets for their
DonRaggo (2010-06-29 22:57:48)
@dylan, omfg ain't that the truth son, stupid irresponsible motherfucking slag, seriously, is there someone on the 'net who is really who they say they are, I mean come on, this IS a very, very anonymous way to apply for childcare..
anonymous (2010-06-24 20:09:01)
Tried to stab me with a fountain pen...Oh buddy where do you come up with this stuff? I want some of your drugs...
dylan (2010-06-18 02:36:16)
gotta love how she looks for a complete stranger to babysit for her on the internet, then gets offended when someone offers and they've got a criminal history
Dot (2010-06-07 15:36:50)
There IS a such thing as third degree murder. There are four degrees of murder, silly.
The COLORED fan (2010-06-07 13:39:57)
This one was really funny.... i couldn't stop laughing.... the book was great
Brittney (2010-06-05 14:23:43)
You essentially ruined Tim's life! perfect!
P.S. why are there so many people on here complaining? If you dont like it then why are you even reading the stuff?
BlueOrchid (2010-06-02 06:25:21)
Derek loves to laugh, read, and enjoys long walks on the beach-EPIC!
Matt (2010-05-31 20:16:48)
I wonder if people ever get on here and are like HEY THATS ME!
J-Mac (2010-05-30 22:50:39)
fucking OZ nice
James (2010-05-30 22:49:17)
The organization should've been "Cons Offer Care for Kids" or C.O.C.K. heh heh.
just kidding, this post is damned good. haha.
DenmarkFTW (2010-05-17 20:45:36)
"I would like to point out that he was convicted of third degree murder, which is the most harmless kind of murder."
jgabrielle (2010-04-30 18:58:50)
"and enjoys long walks on the beach..." WTF hahahaha
Father Jonathan (2010-04-30 17:51:21)
Also, Mike, you could have told her that you have a pedophile who would work for free.
Yoshimano (2010-04-26 05:42:36)
Kons for Kids.. HAHA
and "Derek loves reading, laughing and walks on the beach" not to mention "the most harmless kind of murder" and "tried to stab me with a fountain pen".
Wonderful!
LOVE THIS (2010-04-22 12:35:12)
"Most of our clients are extremely satisfied with their ex-con." That made me LOL hahahah
izzzzzzzo (2010-04-16 10:35:07)
u r fucking Genius MIke
tazmaniak (2010-03-27 21:32:21)
9 1/2 hours a day, 5 days a week?That's a full time job!
bcbud (2010-03-22 23:46:02)
"YourFather (2010-03-05 05:31:35)
Derek loves to laugh, read, and enjoys long walks on the beach. ... :D"
Same one that made me LOL at work, awesome hahaha
rad1 (2010-03-20 12:45:03)
AWESOME!!!!!!!!!
L0L (2010-03-18 14:24:09)
lol this is so freaking funny, btw gf
Troll Face.jpg (2010-03-09 12:37:41)
You should of called it "Kons For Children"
YourFather (2010-03-05 05:31:35)
Derek loves to laugh, read, and enjoys long walks on the beach.
... :D
Anala Canal (2010-02-26 07:52:31)
Oz names...lol nice.
AUSTIN (2010-02-25 05:10:30)
you are crackers !
harvil (2010-02-24 17:23:21)
this guy is pure genius!
Amelie (2010-02-23 20:31:03)
There's no such thing as third degree murder! This was golden though.
shelli (2010-02-16 23:28:54)
ahahaha beecher an schillenger! my 2 fave characters from the show OZ! haha great one Mike!!!
Khepri (2010-02-14 02:31:38)
This...isnt ....REAL...
If it is, then I am ashamed of being a human.
BOB (2010-02-12 23:45:22)
so do you guys know for sure if these e mails are real?
VallejoRob (2010-02-12 16:55:46)
"Derek loves to laugh, read, and enjoys long walks on the beach." That's when I knew this was going to be a good one!
Kim (2010-02-12 00:58:57)
"the most harmless kind of murder" - LMAO
Adam (2010-02-11 19:06:48)
The best thing about this? The ad is for background checks.
Rose (2010-02-07 22:24:00)
Haha someone is obviously a fan of "Oz!"
Beef (2010-02-04 02:28:43)
Second Best Ever!!
Zayro (2010-01-22 20:53:59)
Reading through the comments, apparently someone else already thought of that. Aw.
Zayro (2010-01-22 20:51:53)
Would have been so much better if it was Kons Karing for Kids.
Inhippese (2010-01-22 01:27:12)
Subdivision stores, women's clothing stores, fixtures stores, retail stores, shopping centers and malls, jewelry stores, avocation, gifts, specialty, collectibles, dolls, toys, children's garments, grocery stores, bakeries, almshouse furnishings,
Mike<3 (2010-01-22 00:19:21)
Dear Amy. Piss off, go read the dictionary, I fear you are mentally inadequate. You don't see the humour because it is beyond your IQ. And your spelling is a joke.
I<3thissite (2010-01-22 00:17:31)
Mike,
I sincerely wish we could obtain Amy's email address and f*ck with her. She's an "asswhole" (really chic, you're going to comment on grammar and spelling, when you can't spell 'grammar' or anything else correctly?).
JR (2010-01-21 12:24:17)
Mike needs to make more of these soon. I've read all of them. priceless
:) (2010-01-18 22:05:04)
Derek loves to laugh, read, and enjoys long walks on the beach.
Rofl.Rofl.Rofl.
cinnabun (2010-01-15 11:45:10)
LMFAO MIKE! i love it obviously the woman has never watched Oz or she would of got it
cinnabun (2010-01-15 11:44:08)
LMFAO MIKE! i love it obviously the woman has never watched Oz or she would of got it
GummiSnorri (2010-01-14 06:11:23)
"Tim got so angry that he tried to stab me with a fountain pen."
HAHAHA.
Legendary site, man! Keep it up!
KAB (2010-01-13 19:23:35)
This is probably the most retarded, pointless website I have ever stumbled upon. I can't believe I actually clicked on this via my friend's Twitter post. And why the hell would anyone want to give you money, or "donate"? Absurd.
anonymous (2010-01-07 20:15:09)
"...f third degree murder, which is the most harmless kind of murder." I love this logic!
guido (2010-01-06 04:17:34)
I'm surprised he didn't try to pass off one of the cons as a child molestor :)
Loves it. (2009-12-30 11:08:40)
s a surprisingly simple solution - STOP READING IT or LEARN TO TAKE A JOKE. It's called a sense of humor d-bags... get one.
Loves it. (2009-12-30 11:07:31)
KONS FOR KIDS! "KFK is a very respectable program." HAHAHAHA.
This is the greatest site I've ever come across. These emails make me laugh out loud at my desk at work.
Anyone who doesn't like this site is a fucking idiot... there'
Bart D (2009-12-29 10:33:19)
Alas, poor Tim 8:'(
Deeze Nutz (2009-12-03 11:46:52)
That was awesome! - nice OZ reference! Mike, you are the man.
Leo (2009-11-29 23:56:15)
lol
bohns (2009-11-29 14:41:59)
hank schillinger and tobias beecher. thats the second time you've referenced oz, you got good taste, prag! now suck it!!!
Gus Chow IV (2009-11-29 01:14:43)
I just pissed my pants.
elvin (2009-11-28 21:15:56)
"Derek loves to laugh, read, and enjoys long walks on the beach."
LMAO
Trevor C (2009-11-28 12:54:15)
You really are a horrible guy. Keep up the good work.
DarceyBlackwell (2009-11-26 17:19:21)
"Hey guy's how's it going! I hope all is well..just thought I'd make a post introducing my self and to share a bit about my self, I'm 24 years old...Im orginally from Canada but I moved here about 6months ago..I have a pretty exciting
chelsakins (2009-11-26 16:02:53)
this is so fxcking funnny !
"harmless" murder ? LMAO!
THEMEDIA (2009-11-22 05:42:21)
I understand it's supposed to be a joke, I just don't think it's that good of one.
pole (2009-11-20 02:53:02)
You are a horrible person.
anon (2009-11-18 11:29:34)
themedia, dude go find your sense of humor somewhere. this is supposed to be a joke. way to provide an ample buzzkill.
THEMEDIA (2009-11-15 01:15:43)
Seems like a lot of effort (for you) and inconvenience (for them) for not a lot of payoff. I mean... maybe if it were funnier... or the person was malicious, like with the 419 baiters.
LOLOLOLOL (2009-11-15 00:08:05)
Before you completely rule him out, I would like to point out that he was convicted of third degree murder, which is the most harmless kind of murder
fonkiemonkie (2009-11-14 14:02:06)
LOL LOL LOL LOL KONS 4 KIDZ XD
Nikk (2009-11-12 21:08:04)
OMG When i first read this I thought the girl was the asshole. Boy was I wrong...
anonymous (2009-11-08 14:51:14)
"I'm guessing from your apparent issues with murderers..."
absolute gold.
vish (2009-11-07 12:14:50)
this is tooo much,impossible to read
i just dragged down
***A*** (2009-11-06 17:20:46)
just started reading this shit it frickin priceless ahha
ROFLsberger (2009-11-04 17:22:59)
Katie M. (2009-10-25 18:37:55)"mike u r such a asshoel yu cant even spel and you're gramer suks gett a live"
this might've been funnier than the actual story
David (2009-11-04 12:34:08)
"the most harmless kind of murder..." Effing priceless...
Ragazzo (2009-11-02 02:48:35)
XD the kons names are Oz references eh? I laughed at that pretty hard.
GrammarPunch (2009-10-30 18:39:24)
Katie, who are you to comment on someones' grammar? Go back to school, it would do you well. : )
Yin Chang (2009-10-29 16:00:49)
Katie! You get life! We in Vietnam do not requires good grammar and things because we tough. You, not tough.
You not nice like GIs in the 1972.
hellopanda_ (2009-10-29 12:23:34)
LOL
Bella Donna (2009-10-26 15:09:15)
Love the HBO OZ reference.
Katie M. (2009-10-25 18:37:55)
mike u r such a asshoel yu cant even spel and you're gramer suks gett a live
lol (2009-10-24 12:42:04)
shouldve been called Kons Karing Kids..."KKK is a very respectable program" LOOL
Dave (2009-10-22 17:05:13)
Ha!!!! great!
G2theP (2009-10-18 22:35:30)
convicted of third degree murder, which is the most harmless kind of murder.
anonymous (2009-10-17 14:15:45)
"Needless to say, that was considered a violation of his parole and he has been sent back to his correctional facility to serve the remainder of his sentence. You essentially ruined Tim's life, after he was ready to get back on the right track. Yo
Dave (2009-10-17 11:01:39)
This made me laugh out loud...thanks.
captin picard (2009-10-16 22:46:30)
You sir are and idiot =)
Another Mike (2009-10-14 10:04:19)
yeah ASSWHOLE. ha ha ha!! never saw it spelled that way before!!
David Ringleton (2009-10-08 13:54:17)
Ha, 'most harmless kind of murder'
mark (2009-10-08 02:27:27)
lame. and transparent.
Sandi (2009-10-07 22:09:40)
That was AWESOME.
Steven__Seagal (2009-10-07 18:09:54)
love the OZ references
Schillinger'd
Tyrone (2009-10-07 17:50:23)
Funny mayne
david_the_bitch (2009-10-06 22:41:38)
funny..
gay4joebiden (2009-10-06 16:13:13)
Haha that's great.
amys post (2009-10-06 08:21:42)
she also spelt poeple wrong - fucking numpty!
mraleksfediron (2009-10-06 02:05:18)
Hi. Can you tattle me who did your layout? I’ve been looking for one kind of like yours. Thank you.
Site super! By.
lol (2009-10-05 16:10:39)
so in other words, jkhogan sux
lol (2009-10-05 16:10:17)
the first comment is stupid, he dont understand satire, sarcasm, or irony
jkhogan (2009-10-05 10:34:25)
so fake that I couldnt even finish reading it.
Rose (2009-10-05 02:14:12)
I really don't think you have to believe this to find it hilarious.
andrewnon (2009-10-04 22:07:58)
i thought it was funny, even if it is shopped
God can't spell...? (2009-10-04 05:50:46)
"Throne"...not "thrown"
To Amy bashers: (2009-10-03 20:53:00)
All you just got trolled to hell and back
unskeptical voter (2009-10-03 20:03:12)
If you believe this, thAn you are not very bright.
Eric (2009-10-03 16:58:00)
lol "the most harmless kind of murder" xD
mraleksfediron (2009-09-30 12:39:02)
Meet Ivana Fukalot and her wild friends. Ivana and her friends will take part in the hottest orgies like the good old times of carefree sex was back! Join these hot models into a world of non-stop fucking! Every day new pics and movies are added with Ivan
Midnite (2009-09-29 06:27:44)
I completely lost it after reading Derek's bio. Great stuff!
Yogi (2009-09-28 13:21:10)
Too mant do gooders don't have common sense.
Lenny (2009-09-28 07:17:32)
O'Riley would've got the job
amy is a moron (2009-09-27 21:33:33)
i LOVE this site! and any of you who say it's rediculous, why do you come here in the first place? it's called a JOKE! get the f*ck out and get a sense of humor!
Beer Vampire (2009-09-27 11:55:58)
This is one of the best sites I have ever seen!!!!!! I am ACTUALLY Laughing Out Loud!
omg amy... (2009-09-22 16:35:51)
please stop typing messages. you clearly have no concept of the English language and lack any sense of humor...run along to perez you moron, each key stroke you make, you sound dumber and dumber
dave (2009-09-22 15:10:44)
any of you people who are seriously searching for kons for kids....are complete, dire and utter tools!
this shit is hilarious!
Dummy (2009-09-19 12:39:43)
are these scenarios real?
sprayoncondom (2009-09-17 03:34:35)
I am going to piledrive 'm' into the hood of his 1988 stationwagon.
Patrick Bateman (2009-09-16 00:12:12)
I've bought coke from Timothy. Class act cocaine dealer.
LOL (2009-09-14 18:41:51)
"I love the OZ references. Beecher and Schillinger - hilarious! Great work!"
Glad someone else caught that. Bravo, it's too bad (s)he didn't want to play longer...
Rob (2009-09-11 21:41:21)
this is by far my favorite website. if ever i need to laugh uncontrollably, these ad responses are a sure thing. fucking hysterics
Mama Bear (2009-09-11 21:01:53)
OMG...this is hilarious...unfortunately, there are peeps out there who believe in giving ex-cons a second chance...and I don't mean the simple felons like burglary...I mean BIG TIME...look at Michael Vick!!! He HUNG dogs up by belts...killed puppies.
xxx (2009-09-10 21:26:50)
I didn´t understand. Where´s Duncan?? =((
Eric (2009-09-09 21:36:57)
I just don't get why you would try to get a babysitter of the internet in the first place you'll just get a pedaphile or something just get a friend to watch your kids
txbeauty (2009-09-09 21:24:32)
still think this is one of the tops :)
The CC... (2009-09-09 10:13:46)
Your examples of the felons were enjoyable. And if you didn't know this, there are actual felon-jobs fairs out there which do encourage second chances. I remember reading about one in Cleveland, where I live. TheConstantComplainer.com
Cody (2009-09-08 18:37:04)
you are probably the funniest person alive...keep up the good work dude !!!!!!
Re: To Amy (2009-09-08 18:13:27)
How come you criticize someone for spelling, but don't use proper grammar in your post?
To Amy: (2009-09-08 15:52:52)
How can you passed 2nd grade if you don't know how to spell? Wow...
Stephen (2009-09-08 03:56:32)
Ya i totally noticed that they were from OZ right when i saw them. Woulda been funny if he used their actually backstories like schillinger bein a aryan and beecher drunk drivin a kid
SuperAndy (2009-09-07 18:50:26)
Anyone else notice the last names he used are from the show "OZ"
Taylor (2009-09-07 18:30:31)
Duncan, I hope you fall off a bridge. That is all.
Brobocop Eric (2009-09-07 11:20:55)
If I ran across them, I'd scissor kick the shit outta them. Then I'd ask them if they were set. SHIT!
nacnuD (2009-09-07 08:27:02)
I'd still be able to post with my name if you weren't all such big jerks.
Seriously Carl (2009-09-07 07:06:58)
Are you really THAT stupid?
Carl (2009-09-07 03:28:52)
Mike is such an idiot...why would he believe Derek like that?
Also, everyone, I think this guy Mike is full of crap. I searched for Kons for Kids and all I could find was this page; that program probably doesn't even exist. Don't take my word
WTF DUNCAN/DUNKAN (2009-09-07 03:11:08)
who the fuck is this dunkan/duncan? are all these posts so difficult to understand that he has to explain all the time? or is this a little kid trying to get into the adults' world? zzz
Maggie (2009-09-07 02:01:46)
....I love you. Please keep the updates coming!
To Amy's post (2009-09-06 18:43:33)
No one cares about that freaking post. That is why nobody noticed...
Jay (2009-09-06 18:26:51)
I like the part about the flying cow! Hilarious.
Grim (2009-09-06 18:09:22)
Thought duncan was dead.
apc (2009-09-06 11:09:38)
LOVE IT!!! MORE, MORE!!!!
Misses and Misses (2009-09-06 04:19:07)
You are fucking amazing. You have made two chicks laugh until they cried. We worship you and your humor. You are the almighty asshole of assholes. Please update often. We loves it!
soar (2009-09-05 22:23:56)
Add an RSS feed.
Add an RSS feed.
Add an RSS feed.
Add an RSS feed.
Add an RSS feed.
Guy (2009-09-05 18:58:28)
This site gets me through work.
Guy (2009-09-05 18:57:48)
Good Job Dunkan. Did you figure that out all by your self.
DunKan (2009-09-05 15:57:26)
I like it because she didnt want a murderer to babysit her children and he didnt get it
RMR (2009-09-05 11:41:41)
A+ comedy, as usual.
Jay (2009-09-05 02:34:16)
Beecher has a habit of making mistakes. Perhaps, deep down, he knows that Oz is his real home.
joeblow (2009-09-05 00:24:41)
This stuff is genius. I laugh so hard everytime I visit. I think you're doing some great work here to put a smile on peoples' faces. MOAR! MOAR!
Cryo (2009-09-04 21:42:21)
I would like to apply for KFK :)
God (2009-09-04 21:36:44)
You are doing my bidding well my son. You shall soon cement a place by my thrown in the kingdom of heaven.
Oz (2009-09-04 17:03:57)
nice names lol, great show.
angry (2009-09-04 14:48:48)
I fucking love this site. I'm using the name "Mike Partlow" on counterstrike from now on, but I'll always credit it back to your site :D Hilarious shit!
Heather (2009-09-04 10:44:50)
No one caught Amy's "there" instead of "their".
govtdrone (2009-09-04 10:03:46)
I love this site. It consistently makes me laugh out loud, which can be a problem as I read this at work, god this is a great site.
Abigail (2009-09-04 09:59:37)
Yes, JEFF: It i sjust obviou sthat you are not a parent. I have a brother in prison for habitual use of Heroin. He is AWESOME when he is clean and sober (with my son), and a great person in general. This site i sso hilarious. My point being, no 'Good&
Ramblin' Man (2009-09-04 08:52:42)
LMAO..."Derek enjoys long walks on the beach." OMG my fkin' face hurts!!! If you ever DO get out of prison I want to meet you Dude LOL!!! :)
Ramblin' Man (2009-09-04 07:24:39)
KFK LMAO!!! Q.) What did the pedophile say when he got out of prison? A.) "I feel like a kid again!" Yeah, Yeah, don't shoot the messenger here, LMFAO!!!
Will is a retard (2009-09-04 07:08:12)
Will, you're a fucking retard. His post was obviously a joke, which you were the only one not to get.
Will (2009-09-04 04:48:01)
To CrossedLine - "As a former murder victim, I must protest. Absolutely no form of murder is harmless, and I find this deeply offensive." You understand that means that either A) You're a moron, or B)You're one of the undead. would you min
Pandora (2009-09-03 23:54:34)
Is Tim free on Saturday to look after my mum? I have a hair appointment. Thanks.
CrossedLine (2009-09-03 23:44:47)
As a former murder victim, I must protest. Absolutely no form of murder is harmless, and I find this deeply offensive.
Bitch (2009-09-03 20:04:50)
"I would like to point out that he was convicted of third degree murder, which is the most harmless kind of murder." This is a pure win LOL!!! yes.
Norman (2009-09-03 18:00:03)
Leave my mom alone!
adragon (2009-09-03 17:50:58)
"I would like to point out that he was convicted of third degree murder, which is the most harmless kind of murder."
This is a pure win
AndyPhucter (2009-09-03 17:25:01)
I would let "Kons For Kids" watch my children. I think it's important that we allow psychopathic felons the opportunity to assimilate back into mainstream society. And if not with kids, then with who? Or what?
anonymous (2009-09-03 16:50:42)
I can't help thinking that the author of this site trolls the fuck out of these comments. At least I hope he does, otherwise I have no more faith left in humanity.
Annie (2009-09-03 15:26:30)
Ok. Chill out with the Norman Bates shit. Quit being so damn greedy. Mike will update when he can. His liver can withstand so much... ;)
Dear Amy (2009-09-03 14:36:46)
Please learn how to spell.
amy (2009-09-03 12:50:28)
your al asswholes dis is a horibl web site your meen
bob (2009-09-03 12:42:43)
amazing!!!!
Nick (2009-09-03 12:26:34)
I love that the last names of Derek and Tim are from two characters from Oz
OliviaLove (2009-09-03 12:07:57)
I can't get over this shit. So funny. <3 p.s the offer stands. ;]
OliviaLove (2009-09-03 12:07:16)
I can't get over this shit. So funny. <3 p.s the offer stands. ;]
Your Mother (2009-09-03 08:48:59)
Great website, funny shit, but where are more fucking updates?!?!? Do I have to take over your site for you and do a better job? Holy fuck, batman. Mother doesn't like to wait, and is extremely disappointed.
N (2009-09-03 07:20:37)
Hauskaa!
Good stuff (2009-09-03 03:37:46)
This is very funny.
For those who complain: make your own damn website and show us how much funnier you are.
ss (2009-09-02 23:44:47)
seemed forced. long walks on the beach?
Raynie (2009-09-02 23:14:40)
This is the best one, ever. :D
loling (2009-09-02 23:13:49)
just great!
Too bad she never answer back lol
WMS (2009-09-02 23:11:36)
By ideas, I didn't mean the materials...just the idea of sending such emails and posting the conversations online :P
WMS (2009-09-02 23:10:46)
Dude...my cousin just showed me this site...you, sir, are the god of all trolls. Although, to be honest...I have done some trolling before...but you're now my inspiration. Sorry if I ever end up ripping off of your ideas...you will be credited.
Lil' Dutch (2009-09-02 20:35:19)
What ya think Karrie
Tired of complainers (2009-09-02 20:04:11)
i love how people criticize this site like they can do better, "oh mike your loosing it" yeah cause you have known him your whole life huh? if you think you can do better post your own website. I for one think this stuff is hilarious. Especially
eljay (2009-09-02 19:29:57)
Love your site...funniest thing I have read in I don't know how long
REBADOW (2009-09-02 19:24:24)
Why didn't you tell her about me? I might have to stab you in the neck now.
Derb (2009-09-02 18:37:20)
Again, a nitwit looking for a babysitter on-line. Ahhh they just walk right into it. Good point on 3rd degree murder.
Mark (2009-09-02 17:17:42)
Kons for Kids-what a great idea. Someone's gotta actually start a program like this...
pretty good (2009-09-02 16:02:39)
honestly I thought the mom sounded like the worst person involved here. or at least very rude. I hope her kids grow up to be convicts and can't find work.
Josh (2009-09-02 15:46:17)
ZOMGROFLMAO....
Jar Jar (2009-09-02 15:36:24)
lmao!
david pershica (2009-09-02 15:23:03)
O M G. I love that you used the names of the characters from Oz. THAT IS BRILLIANT!!!!!! andas usual, had me pissing myself...
Ken (2009-09-02 14:50:13)
OH, I would SO S his D
OzFan (2009-09-02 12:23:51)
This was too funny! I LOVE how you added Beecher & Schillinger from Oz into the mix!
Darrell (2009-09-02 12:10:03)
HAHHAHA I LOVE the "OZ" references with Schillinger and Beecher....i fucking loved that show...nice job lol
Sven (2009-09-02 11:55:50)
Not only is 'Amy' a retard, but so is 'Amy is a retard' -- You gotta love a grammatical error in a post making fun of grammatical errors...Keep 'em coming!
anonymous (2009-09-02 11:26:34)
this one is a lil too much!!
lovetolaugh (2009-09-02 11:07:54)
Right on. This site is genius!
bb (2009-09-02 11:05:08)
Humor is a sign of superior intelligence. Need I say more to those of you who don't get this site? Why do you even bother coming here?
Mike Vick (2009-09-02 09:56:50)
*In madden WTF is that shit?
Mike Vick (2009-09-02 09:55:05)
Dude I got outta jail fo dog fightin and runnin a illegal interstate gambling ring and I didn't need no damn babysittin job. I'll take qb for da eagles over kons 4 kids any day lol. I gots me some money bitches! Oh yeah an I'm like a 72 in ma
Spike (2009-09-02 09:54:44)
Made my day !
Bart (2009-09-02 09:34:34)
You sir, are very very funny.
schlomo (2009-09-02 09:34:30)
Dude you have a twisted mind and I love you for it.
Retard = Amy (2009-09-02 09:05:18)
So spell check is your excuse? What about graduating from the third f'ing grade? Do the world a favor and go back to elementary school sweet heart.
RDD (2009-09-02 08:55:55)
RDD says that this is funny, if you are a ss-lover.....Fuck you !!!!
Taylor (2009-09-02 04:55:29)
@Done Con
You are a first rate fucker. Your need for a complex story line to laugh says more about your sense of humor than Mike's. This site is about taking real life people out of the "comfort zone", and that is exactly what these emails do
yay (2009-09-02 03:54:39)
LOOOOOOOLLLL
Sean (2009-09-02 03:42:45)
Fourth degree murder is the most harmless type of murder. When you described Derek's type of murder that was really second degree murder. Third degree murder is murder by negligence.
Jubilee (2009-09-02 03:31:15)
righteous. hey any chance of an RSS feed so i can subscribe? Jubilee can't be the only one...
:] (2009-09-02 03:23:41)
PLEASE KEEP UP WITH THE UPDATES!!!
xxx (2009-09-02 03:21:20)
hahahah this had me laughing so hard lol good work!!!
matt (2009-09-02 01:25:29)
pretty funny man
but i gotta say, duncans post was funnier
babybear (2009-09-02 01:15:15)
Sparkling. Brilliant. Blindingly fucking funny, as usual. Keep it up, my brother,
Tobias and Vern (2009-09-02 00:50:42)
Beecher and Schillinger are from OZ, well played!
lol (2009-09-02 00:24:58)
haahah lol very funny..PLEASE MORE UPDATES DDDDDDD
michelle h. (2009-09-01 22:56:18)
<shakes fists at Amy> How dare she send Tim back to jail?
jake (2009-09-01 22:42:49)
i don't understand why people post comments on here who obviously don't have the proper sense of humor needed for this website. fuck off haters!
Jeff (2009-09-01 21:38:06)
What a self-righteous bitch with no understanding of drugs or drug users. What kind of idiot thinks of drug users as the worst type of rehab subject? Wake up and stop listening to government propaganda!
Seriously though, hilarious post!
Will (2009-09-01 21:08:47)
is it just me or does it seem like he was playing both characters here? the wording sounds just like mike for both characters
Mike (2009-09-01 19:43:17)
Excellent touch with the Oz characters.
frank (2009-09-01 19:13:09)
its funny because he wants to give convicts another shot at life but he/she does not want them to watch he/her kids.
VJ (2009-09-01 18:54:50)
Huge fan, here! Good job man!
holy shit (2009-09-01 18:21:53)
too funny ... "KFK a subsidary of the KKK"
LOL (2009-09-01 18:20:19)
"I talked to Derek, and he said he didn't mean to kill the guy, he just wanted to hurt him."
EEZ (2009-09-01 18:18:16)
especially good today lol
Amy's errors (2009-09-01 18:15:57)
...both sentences are not capitalized, that brings it up to ten total errors, and all in an eighteen-word statement. She must have been pissed when she typed it. Perhaps she needs a dick up her own "asswhole" now and then to loosen her up.
Amy's errors (2009-09-01 18:14:39)
No one seemed to notice "there" instead of "their". If "e-mailing" is supposed to be hyphenated, like I'm pretty sure it is, then that brings Amy's total spelling errors to eight. Given that the words at the beginnings of
Leo (2009-09-01 17:56:40)
Mike, you tool, stop watching OZ and get more emails up. Schillinger... Beecher...why I awda...
KR (2009-09-01 17:53:35)
I love these! Please post them more often!
sayye (2009-09-01 17:50:21)
MORE! give us MOOORRREEEE!!!!
Done Can (2009-09-01 17:48:11)
Oh, I get it. You're offering parents babysitters that are undesirable. Ha ha, that's classic!
NappyPro (2009-09-01 17:39:55)
I don't understand why some of you bitch on complain like your opinion is taken seriously, lol
this was brilliant.
Helen Keller (2009-09-01 17:28:12)
Great work Mike. Fuck all you who are bitchin this shits funny
y (2009-09-01 17:25:28)
Brilliant!
zsasz (2009-09-01 17:15:34)
hahaha, utter genius. my day is officially made when i open the site and see a new one up.
Jeff (2009-09-01 17:10:39)
Love this site. Keep up the good work! And nevermind those a**holes who can't see the fun in your posts!
Kid (2009-09-01 17:09:19)
This is great. Keep them coming!
An (2009-09-01 17:08:39)
This is hilarious!
m (2009-09-01 17:01:24)
I think this site is done... not really funny anymore...
Big J (2009-09-01 16:29:37)
You should've put in a little more to Derek's bit. Maybe, "While serving his time, others looked up to him as a leader, and he mentored younger inmates!"
Vag Pudding (2009-09-01 16:09:42)
I want a Kons for Kids t-shirt. Another great post. I'd bitch about frequency of posts too, but at this point, it's like a weekly surprise to see a new one.
djcao (2009-09-01 16:03:28)
u got me at "Kons for Kids"
hahaha
keep up with the good work....
I don´t know why ppl try so hard to ruin the mood...
have fun people, that`s it...
sg (2009-09-01 16:01:10)
I love the OZ references. Beecher and Schillinger - hilarious! Great work!
Greg (2009-09-01 15:52:32)
This kid is genius. I love every single one. Keep it up. I saved this site as a favorite
Help me (2009-09-01 15:42:01)
I am addicted to this site. This one is great. ...the most harmless kind of murder. You watch, this line will be used on TV by some sitcom.
oh irony (2009-09-01 15:34:47)
this was amazing. hahaha. "Before his conviction, Tim was a mid-level cocaine dealer. He knows a lot about economics and business, and would be able to give your children a great education while watching them." Made me laugh so hard. lol
Hot Carl (2009-09-01 15:18:07)
Weak... man you are really hurting for material these days huh?
amy's post (2009-09-01 14:54:22)
no one noticed "sight" instead of site? lol losers
igor (2009-09-01 14:48:16)
FINALLY. That one was amazing! Just please keep the website updated more often.
Jay (2009-09-01 14:40:51)
To funny! Love it! Keep them coming!!!
knb (2009-09-01 14:40:05)
back on track! you've got it again!
KB (2009-09-01 14:23:58)
Mike you are awesome!! I love your e-mails keep them coming!! I don't know how you come up with this stuff!! It cracks me up!
Jay (2009-09-01 14:23:16)
Hey Amy, Why are you even on this site if you do not even agree with it in the first place and second of all get a sense of humor and learn how to spell...dipsh!t.
Retards (2009-09-01 14:11:14)
Was that the only spelling error you saw in Amy's post? What about horible (horrible), y (why), u (you), poeple (people), and ruine (ruin)?
joedukas (2009-09-01 14:09:39)
Ha. Beecher and Schillinger? Someone is an "Oz" fan.
Amy is a retard (2009-09-01 14:05:38)
Amy, firstly there is no w in asshole. Secondly shut up and laugh. People are to sensitive
Banya (2009-09-01 13:43:53)
"...the most harmless kind of murder." Hahahahaha! That's gold, Jerry! GOLD!
Amy (2009-09-01 13:36:39)
this sight is just horible! y do u even bother emailing poeple just to ruine there day? asswhole
update everyday (2009-09-01 13:28:48)
we need more updates...this site is great
Meewa (2009-09-01 13:28:19)
Brilliant...love the follow-up emails
ZackMorris (2009-09-01 13:24:28)
Hahaha this is a good one, Absolutely not! Don't worry, "I would never even dare consider having drug addicts watch your children. They are children for pete's sake!" Drugs are worse than murder!
Runny (2009-09-01 13:21:15)
Rofl
Annie (2009-09-01 13:09:23)
Obviously, I'm horrible as well.
People, IT'S A JOKE. Pull the stick out of your ass, and have fun with the rest of us.
Annie (2009-09-01 13:08:08)
"I talked to Derek, and he said he didn't mean to kill the guy, he just wanted to hurt him."
Hahaha, very funny. Mike, you are amazing.
lilvanilla (2009-09-01 13:04:49)
I guess im horrible to..cuz i busted up laughing...
ass for jack (2009-09-01 13:02:57)
really? who is the horrible person here? besides tim and derek, you mike are the horrible person. try harder, jack ass.
x (2009-09-01 13:01:28)
No, *I* am a horrible person for thinking this is funny.
Brian (2009-09-01 12:57:18)
They paid their debt to society!
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